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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24047371">Raj Helps Out</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Big Bang Theory (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Multi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 16:54:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,578</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24047371</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Bernadette needs some help that only Rajesh can provide.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rajesh Koothrappali/Bernadette Rostenkowski/Howard Wolowitz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Raj Helps Out</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Raj sat in the booth in the restaurant, wondering why Bernadette had asked him to meet her here. She had called him two days ago and said she needed to talk to him about “helping with Howie.” She asked if he could meet her for lunch on Thursday and to please “keep it quiet around the guys.” The place she had selected for the meeting, an interesting little Asian-Southern fusion place named <em>Seoul Food</em> was nowhere near Cal Tech and not particularly close to her offices and labs at Zangen either, which indicated to him that even Penny wasn’t involved. Then she called when he was arriving and apologized for running late and asked him to please order for her; she would be there as soon as possible. He ordered her requested Carolina pulled pork BBQ sandwich topped with Kimchi slaw and got himself the Korean BBQ shrimp and grits. As he sipped his soda he took a moment to be grateful that he no longer needed to slam back some alcohol to be able to speak to her. He was on edge enough without adding that previous social anxiety to the mix.</p>
<p>Bernadette slid into her seat just as the food arrived. She might be late, but she was late with impeccable timing. “Oooh! Thanks!” she exclaimed as she began to inhale her sandwich. Apparently whatever it was wasn’t all that critical. Raj ate his meal with a bit of a sense of wonder. <em>These grits are incredible! Wasn’t Sheldon from that part of the country? How had he never tried this before? This sure beats the hell out of spaghetti with cut up hot dogs!</em></p>
<p>His reverie was interrupted by the waitress refilling their drinks and Bernie finishing her meal with a sigh. “Thanks Raj, that was great. I missed breakfast this morning getting the kids ready for the day. And then… well, as the saying goes the meeting ain’t over ‘til the FDA leaves!” Raj was pretty sure that was NOT the phrase, but he never claimed to speak idiomatic American.</p>
<p>“So Bernie,” he tentatively asked, “are you and Howard having a problem of some sort? You know I’ll do anything I can to help.”</p>
<p>“Well…” she replied, “it’s more of an issue than a problem, but yes, I think you’re the key to my being able to resolve this issue.”</p>
<p>“If you can tell me what the issue is…?” he ventured.</p>
<p>“Anal sex.”</p>
<p>Raj choked on his drink.</p>
<p>After his coughing subsided, he looked at her with weeping eyes and managed to squeak out “excuse me?”</p>
<p>She rolled her eyes and said “don’t be coy Raj. It’s unbecoming.” She sighed. “Look, I knew before we got married that Howie likes to make the occasional delivery to the tradesman’s entrance. As you know, he’s not that big, so every once in awhile was fine. But lately he’s been wanting it more than he’s gonna get. Mama loves her Howie, but she ain’t giving up spin class over that.”</p>
<p>Raj looked at her with wide eyes and asked “but what does this have to do with me?”</p>
<p>She was not amused. “I told I you to stop being coy. Look, I know that the two of you are nominally straight. I also know that Howard hasn’t been with anyone but me since we became serious. And I know that the two of you had it for each other. Hard. No pun intended.”</p>
<p>Raj felt a rising panic. When Howard told him that they had to stop he had also made Raj swear to never discuss it with Bernadette and had sworn in Klingon to all he held holy that he would never say a word to her.</p>
<p>Bernadette continued. “Before you ask: Howard hasn’t said a word. I’m sure you guys made one of your silly  little Klingon pacts about that. But I’m no fool Raj. You’re always around, with those tight little buns of yours. Sometimes you two seem to forget that, even though I was a waitress when you met me, I’m a scientist too. I’ll be happy to show you the numbers if you want, but I assure you the correlation factor for you visiting and Howard wanting to bend me over and fuck me like I’m his boyfriend is exceptionally high vs a random draw.”</p>
<p>Raj started open his mouth to speak, but Bernadette said “Shut up and don’t interrupt, I’m not done yet.” He sat back in stunned silence.</p>
<p>She continued. “And then last week he showed up with the strap on and said that if he couldn’t do me, could I please do him.”</p>
<p>He continued his stunned silence as Bernadette smiled. “I liked it a lot more than I thought I was going to. Howie had obviously been missing it, because he got off like I’ve never seen before. When he came, and I’m sure he doesn’t even know he did this, but when he came he moaned your name. So yeah, Raj, I’m pretty sure it has to do with you.”</p>
<p>He had no idea how she managed to look so business like while this was going on, but he finally found his voice. “Bernadette I understand and, even though it’ll be painful I understand that I need to stay away and let you find a new normal. I hope it’ll be okay if I still send the children presents on their…”</p>
<p>“Rajesh Koothrappali, be quiet!” She didn’t raise the volume of her voice at all. It may have even been quieter, but her voice had dropped to a lower register, her eyes had darkened, and she somehow seemed taller. Raj’s jaw snapped shut. That was a voice that expected, no <em>required</em> obedience.</p>
<p>She pierced him with an icy glare and continued in that same voice “I’d thought this part could wait until this weekend, but I guess we’ll have to do the short course now. For a smart man you are being very stupid. When you address me, and you will only do so when I allow it, you will address me as ‘Mistress.’ I will attempt to ask anything I ask of you in simple queries so that you may reply ‘yes, Mistress’ or ‘no Mistress.’ Should you not understand any question you may reply with ‘I do not understand Mistress’ or ‘please explain Mistress.’ Do that too often and there will be consequences. You will be allowed to speak freely if, and only if, I specifically tell you to do so. Do you understand, Rajesh?”</p>
<p>Raj swallowed hard. “Yes, Mistress.”</p>
<p>“Very well. Now here is what’s going to happen. The children will be visiting my parents this weekend. You, Howard and I will have a nice meal Saturday evening to discuss what will happen. You are to arrive no later than 7:00 pm. Do NOT arrive any later, or there will be consequences. Do you understand?”</p>
<p>“Yes, Mistress.”</p>
<p>“Wonderful. I’m tired of watching everyone mope around Rajesh. What’s going to happen is that we are going to have a nice meal and then we are all going to go up to the bedroom, where I am going to watch you and my sweet husband fuck each other stupid. Do you understand?”</p>
<p>He gaped like a fish out of water for a few seconds before managing to squeak out “Yes, Mistress.”</p>
<p>Mistress Bernadette glanced at her phone, stood up from her seat, stepped over to Raj, bent over and gave him a kiss. Not a polite California farewell peck on the cheek either. He was pretty sure her tongue explored places his dentist had never seen. She then whispered in his ear “Bring an overnight bag. The kids won’t be back until Sunday evening. Saturday is for you and Howard, but Sunday I will make you <em>mine</em>. If you don’t have a safe word you should start thinking about that now.” She straightened, smoothed her skirt and said in what he now thought of as her Bernie voice “dinner will almost certainly be the lasagna my mother will foist on me when I drop off the kids. It would be great if you’d bring a suitable bottle of wine.” She giggled. “Howard has no idea what’s about to happen and we may have to loosen him up a bit first. And tip that young woman well. She did a very nice job pretending not to notice the game of tonsil hockey I just played. Besides, in a few years <em>she</em> may be the one developing a new drug that might save your mother’s life one day.”</p>
<p>Bernadette left as quickly and as stealthily as she’d arrived. If Penny had been there she would have described him as looking like he’d been poleaxed at the slaughterhouse. The waitress came over and asked “Sir? Would you like to have a cup of coffee on the house and sit for few minutes?” Raj blinked at her stupidly for a few moments. “Yes, that would be very nice. Thank you. Uh, cream and sugar please?”</p>
<p>As she went to retrieve his “hot beverage” Raj contemplated the several thoughts spinning in his head. <em>She left me with the bill and I don’t care one bit. </em> <em>What does one pack for such an occasion? Beyond wine, does one bring a gift? How many syllables are in a good safe word?</em> And lastly – <em>I’ve got to try that sandwich next time, the kimchi slaw seems to have a wonderful set of spices.</em>”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>To answer the question my wife asked when she read this: no, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. At least she was laughing when she asked.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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